Starting a new relationship in your 50s, 60s, or 70s can be both thrilling and a bit nerve-racking.
You’ve found someone you really like and you want things to go well. But sometimes, you might notice some controlling behaviours popping up early on. It's crucial to address these behaviors early to ensure the relationship remains healthy and balanced.
Since posting my original message about this topic, I've been contacted by many older daters asking for guidance on different aspects of controlling behaviours in their new relationships. Some have even stopped dating because they find this happens to them and they don’t know how to nip it in the bud when they start dating someone new, especially when they really like the person. I understand how challenging this can be, so let’s take a look at some practical tips.
This is one of the most common issues daters over 50 come to me with because they find themselves falling into the same trap and don’t know how to avoid it.
Women tell me that they often want to spoil their partner by offering to make cups of tea/coffee, preparing meals, and so on.................until it escalates because that’s what they have always done.
Men tell me that they usually take over the arrangements of the first date, then the second, and before they know it, they’re organising everything.
As we get older, it can be more challenging to leave these traits behind because they are ingrained in our make-up, but we don’t want to find ourselves back where we started.
With a slight shift in mindset and a few enlightening tips, you CAN change how you start dating, which influences the course of the relationship and sets you up for a
balanced and rewarding companionship*.
This companionship can take many forms, especially for older daters, where one size does not fit all!
New Friendship: Supporting each other and spending time doing mutually enjoyable activities together. This friendship involves mutual affection, trust, and respect, but not romantic or physical intimacy.
New Romantic Relationship: A connection that is emotional, physical, and involves love, intimacy, and commitment.
New Casual Friendship: Enjoying each other's company by engaging in social activities together without significant emotional dependence.
I understand – when you’re just getting to know someone, it might seem easier to just walk away if you spot these red flags. But what if your new companion* has many other wonderful traits, you share the same values, interests, and she/he makes you laugh?
Below you will see some of the advice I give my mentoring and matchmaking clients before they start dating on how to manage controlling behaviors while also appreciating the positive qualities of your new companion*:
1. Be Open, Honest, and Clear from Day 1
Be upfront about your feelings. If you’re not into certain activities, say so. Your preferences matter just as much as theirs!
2. State Your Preferences on Dates
Don’t be shy to suggest where to eat or what to do. If you don’t like a particular type of food, let them know. Your comfort and enjoyment are as equally important.
3. Set Clear Boundaries
Boundaries are key. If they show up unannounced at your place, it’s perfectly fine to say, “I’d prefer if we make plans in advance.”
A very common issue: If they start texting or calling you excessively throughout the day, it’s okay to let them know you need some personal space and would prefer to communicate at specific times. You might say, “I appreciate your messages, but I need some uninterrupted time during the day. Let’s agree to check in with each other in the morning/evenings for now.”
4. Avoid Going Along Just to Keep Peace
Speak up if something bothers you. It’s part of getting to know each other. Don’t suppress your feelings just to avoid conflict.
5. Address Unacceptable Behavior in Public
If their behaviour in public bothers you, think it over and decide if you need to discuss it with them. It’s better to talk about it than to let it slide and fester.
A very common issue: If they get upset when you spend time with your family or friends without them, address it right away. You might say, “I value my time with my family and friends, and it’s important for me to maintain those relationships. I hope you can understand and support that.”
6. Tackle Challenging Issues Quickly and Tactfully
Don’t wait to address issues. Be honest about what makes you uncomfortable. If they get upset, it’s a sign to reconsider the relationship.
7. Ensure Balanced Power in the Relationship
A healthy relationship has balanced power. If one person always calls the shots, it’s time to rethink things.
8. Recognise Extreme Discomfort or Fear
If their behavior causes fear or extreme discomfort, it might be time to end the relationship. Don’t ignore these feelings. If they’re threatening, take safe steps to separate yourself.
By following this advice, you can manage controlling behaviors and engage in a healthy, enjoyable relationship. Trust yourself to address challenges right away and prioritise your well-being.
Remember, appreciating the good in your partner is important, but your own comfort and safety should always come first.
Stay confident and true to yourself!
Warmly,
Jacqui
The UK's Leading Dating Mentor For Over 50s
07368912304
To enquire about a mentoring session with Jacqui, Email jacqui@select-connections.com
Comments